St Thomas

Can you bear the weight of this, my soul
All the voices down all the years
Tallying up all the failures
Accumulated at your dirty feet
Which all your striving, all your deeds
Cannot make tip the scales
And what do you do
When you’ve run out of all you can do
The consequences piling up around you
Left with all the fear and every slightest doubt
Knowing you haven’t suffered yet enough
The last farthing is gone and you’ve nothing
To clean the mess you’ve made

The unbelief chases belief chases unbelief
The fading light of that mountain’s glory
Trailing out behind
No matter the effort and the strain
Hope comes hard to you, my soul
One more failure for the pile
Mouthing the words, pasting on the face
Playing the part put on you
Knowing all the while the fraud
“Come let us go and die with him”
Are you afraid, my soul, to be a saint
To open the grasping hands with down-turned palms
To relinquish even the hope of hope

And do you dare to touch deathless hands and feet
Or, shrinking, fail even this
Or can you call out and beg the raised god
To take the impotent hand
And shove it in that immortal side
And if you will not dare even this
Will you whisper his name
The single word encompassing everything
Even your faithless heart
And can you bear the weight of it, my soul?